Beltane – April gathering to dance around the Maypole. Talking of aspirations, regrets and hopes. Jumping over fire, leaving behind the regret and jumping forward to the hope

Beltane- sometimes called May day – falls halfway between the spring equinox (Ostara) and the coming summer solstice. We celebrate spring at it’s peak, fertility and growth, and indeed in Kaliwoods, the expanding green was glorious, oak leaves just coming into rich sap green, catkins hanging, hazel well out with hints of nuts to come.

Shona and Rachel called the four directions, to ground us in the woods: s

Guy welcomed us to Compassionate Communities, the umbrella under which we are all sitting. He’d been inspired by his grandmother, who in the 1950’s used to sit with and support those at the end of their lives – a modern day Doula (REF) .

Kevin welcomed us from the Pear Tree, and outlined the day, Rachel from Kinda Education, with a Health and Safety briefing. Shona from Kinda talked about Beltane: aspirations, hope and fire. It’s also International Workers day celebrated worldwide as a holiday in honor of working people, commemorating the historic struggle and sacrifice of the working people to establish an eight-hour workday. Walter Crane’s fabulous design for a poster below incorporates the essence of old May day, with garlands and spring flowers, braided with slogans to support workers rights.

We began with ourselves, talking about our life aspirations, how some had fallen by the wayside, those regrets. But others, unexpectedly had been achieved. If we had a year to live – what would we want to do?

Rachel: Regrets – not married a farmer, and had 6 children, nor become concert pianist, still hopeless at drawing/art, unlikely now to visit Iran (Isfahan), but instead found this wood, and this community. Aspired to be less busy and see and enjoy what was in front of her nose.

Kevin: Regrets – always wanted to connect and support community. …. Aspired to return to Italy (live in a Tuscan villa and drink some local red wine) and make more time for friendships and relationships.

We exchanged in small groups our aspirations, regrets and hopes.

Lunch of Barron Bigod and fruit, yummy.

Maypole dancing

Pete arrived and with Adam played us a merry jig to dance around our tree May pole, over and under, over and under, until we had wound the ribbon around. Then we just danced. Below is Kaaren’s poem, which describes it all.

Back to work

Celebrating International Workers day, Shona and Guy conversed about their working lives, the twists and turns and found the common denominator of supporting others.

Back into small groups we talked through our useful life, our utility, and wrote on a board our diverse paths.

IMAGE of WORK

Jumping over fire

Taking some live embers from our fire, Shona carefully and safely put them in a frying pan, which we jumped. We left behind what we wanted to leave behind and jumped into our aspiration.

Compassionate Conversation in the CABIN – Guy and Shona

Meanwhile throughout the day all were invited to have conversations with Guy and Shona in the cabin. Guys question: What declaration of possibility can you make that has the power to transform the community and inspire you? What promises am I willing to make? with no expectation of return?

Guy’s question: What moment in the day shifted for you?

I realised that I had fulfilled my aspiration

I thought I was alone and through these conversations, I realised others too have been on the same journey.

Those who get most have given most

He’s our pain in the ass!

When a door closes, however painfully, another opens

Fascinating to hear of M’s humanist life reminding me…KALLY

Talking heart to heart, reminded me we are all connected.

I feel like I have found my tribe

I loved Maypole dancing, I am so much in my head, it was good being in the body with you all.

Entropy

They just flower up with me having to do anything

Postscript from Rachel: I realised later that those expectations of 6 children and marrying a farmer had in a way materialised: talk of fertility – last night I found out Bobji was pregnant with at least 5 pups – hooray! Instead of marrying a farmer, I was about to become one, with the land I was buying.

Socratic Dialogue Saturday May 28th at the Pear Tree.
An an invitation to explore the question why do we find it so difficult to talk about death and dying? Using the socratic method.

All of us will die, and many of us have lived the experience of a friend or relation dying. Why is it so many of us have chosen the music for our funeral but not addressed our end of life? Why do we find death a tricky subject to talk about?

Moments in the Dialogue

The fear of the loss of a dog
A father invited to talk about his last days on this earth chose instead of death and dying, to talk about cricket.
What is your question?
Cultural – different dimensions for example in this case the culture that did not talk about death and cultural expectation of elder daughter taking on role of mother (Pas devants les enfant)
Pain and trauma (K’s words)
Language of death. My mother lost her mother./ She passed away (like a turd). Shying away from saying dead. I like the word passing. Poetic, not final.
Existential elements, that were fundamental. Such as K’s existential fear that he would not have been born. Fear of not existing. Difficult to conceive of not being around. Disconnect. In our culture and genetics we are programmed to avoid death.
Identity – what dies? – not addressed.
Not as personal as expected.

Reflections

Longer time to set up – should have done set up previous day.
Too much to manage lunch and layout as well as facilitate dialogue.
Give out Structure and Guidelines (and history?) guiding document to have in front of us to remind us – good for take away too
Start with who we are – what bought us here
History dry until photographs. Enliven. How does it fit with my vision? Use to me.
Be clearer what question I am asking – write it up.
Good work with the example and keeping us on track
Feeling of being rushed, not much reflection in the process
Needed more time for the reflection on the process. Good to work in pairs/groups then feed back. More free.
Be clear about the end. Both structure and final moments, plan more.
Chocolate biscuits tea time
Reminder mobile phones

Some photographs to remember the day

SUMMER SOLSTICE A mid summer strategy meeting under the hornbeams on the longest day.

An opportunity to ask ANY question to our local experts, Lucy Coote and Beverley Bulmer and Deidre Luff, a death doola.

Lucy Coote, Community Ambassador at Rosedale Funeral Home, opened up the questions for us. With her experience of thousands of funerals, she relayed the diversity of questions asked, and more sadly the consequences of questions that we do not ask, which gives rise to such family anxiety, stress and tension, sometimes lasting a generation. Sort the questions out now, was her message. ‘I may all know what’s best for my family, but does the rest of my family know and think the same as me?’ In the same way as pregnancy doesn’t just happen, a persons death needs some careful preparation and awareness.

It is an Act of Kindness, she said, to be prepared.

A theatrical scenario:
Characters: Lucy, funeral Director, Kevin and Rachel brother and (much older) sister who’s father had just died. It’s a tension between Lark Ascending and Bat out of Hell, cremation and burial. Can it be resolved?

Here are some of our questions and answers:

Can I be buried in my garden? YES! But you need to check on the water table with the water board. And consider what happens to your home and garden after you sell. It may effect the market value of the property.
About 20 people have asked Lucy if they can be buried in their garden.

Can I make my own coffin? Yes, but you need to check with the funeral director or crematorium regarding the material you propose to use.

What will happen to my dog after I die? If you have not made provision for your Pet, the Executors of your Will have that responsibility.

Will Dignitas come to the UK? Yes many consider that some kinds of dying with dignity would come to the UK eventually, with adequate legal and personal provision to safeguard misuse.

Can I still take my loved one home from hospital? YES. But do consider the body and it’s deterioration in the recent heat wave.

My husbands Jewish religion stipulates he must be buried within 24 hours of dying. Suppose this is not possible? The funeral directors will try to meet this criterior but there is some flexibility in this strict time due to fulfilling paper work.

Can i write my own Will? Yes, but this has to be done correctly signed correctly, to be valid. so may be best to seek legal advice to be sure.

Role of the Executor – this is a very serious role, with grave responsibilities. Do make sure you check with the person is up for that responsibility.

Lucy mentioned The Dash – a poem by Linda Ellis, referring to the dash between the birth and death.

Deidre Luff, End of Life Doula UK, described living wakes, often for people who knew they had a short time yet to live and wanted to see their friends again. There is a term Wedding wakes where people marry toward the end of their life.

Beverley Bulmer a Funeral Celebrant who facilitates bereavement groups and is the creator of Leaving Gracefully introduced us to her Leaving Gracefully cards, which we worked with in small groups, some of us answering only one question on them, such was the breadth of that question and what conversation it provoked. More information about the cards and on line workshops are here

I am the front of the queue, now.

Rachel ended with the story of the Buddha and the Mustard Seed – a story of a woman who’s child died and she sought the buddha to find an end to her grief. He instructed her to bring him 3 seeds each from a house untouched by death. In every household she tried, she found a story of death and so began her conversations and demonstrates how suffering and death is everywhere and is unavoidable.

Our light lunch naturally included Baron Bigod.

Talked about in our conversations, the Coffin Book case

September 25th EQUINOX at the Pear Tree with photo booth

We gathered – some regulars and some for the first time, in Kaliwoods, with fungi blossoming after the morning surprising rain, to share this day with community and ancestors. This day of the dead, this all souls, this Halloween, this Diwali, this time of darkening and importance of fire. This liminal time of year when the veil between worlds is thin.

The wonderful Suzanne Arnold led us in our opening circle, which opened up, inviting in remarkable diversity of ancestors: grandparents who once showed us the maths, a dad, a mum and a cat of 21 years, a loving wife, a friend, an Aunt Olive who was stubborn but wonderful.

We are the ancestors of the present, Suzane reminded us.

All were invited to create an alter of our ancestors with a photograph or object of memory, and Nicky found some marigolds, beloved of Indians for Diwali, to decorate the table.

We wove our stories into the tapestry on Kally’s loom

We carved pumpkins and made jar lanterns.

We had compassionate conversations down in the warm cabin with Guy

With our fire tapers, led by Theo, fire pixie, we walked through the wood, to the place of Hornbeams, were we planted acorns, gathered from Sotterly and Staverton Thicks, to become the oak trees to give shade to future ancestors.

Michael read two poems Transitions by Thomas Hardy, In hardwood Groves by Robert Frost.

We did the circle dance, circling around each other, before we made an archway, singing our song, so quickly learned, (and quickly forgotten I’m afraid!)

As dusk fell into darkness we bid farewell to our ancestors who had danced and dined with us this day, and warmed by a hug we all gave ourselves, and the feeling of community around us , we walked into the dark night, back to our hearths